137 replies to this topic

[Beks]

Ooo, I do! *pulls out another lawn chair out of nowhere, and sips on a glass of lemonade* Ah, refreshing...I wish winter would end already...

[iloveslinky]

I know. *sips lemonade* This parka is interfering with my tan.

Slink

[Beks]

I didn't even get a tan last summer! I'm pastier than Carl!

[iloveslinky]

Ditto. And I'm from California; if you don't have a tan out here in summer then you're shunned from society until everyone else is as pasty as you. (Around the turn of the year. There are still the occasional ones who brave the sun and cold or use self tanners.)

Slink

[loopin]

I don't like tans :unsure: I am PALE. It's like I never go outside....

[iloveslinky]

It's like PE has no effect on me. I's pasty.

Slink

[loopin]

I think it's got something to do with being on the computer all the time.... <_<

[iloveslinky]

*Looks at fingers blistered from excessive wrinting of emails, IDOJ forum posts, Fanfictions, and regular fictions* Yeah, that might have something to do with it.

Slink

[loopin]

LOL.

[iloveslinky]

Oh yeah, and HOURS UPON HOURS of IMs between me and the guy I like written at 3AM. Yeah... That ruined me.

Slink

[loopin]

Ah, but was it worth it to talk to him?

[iloveslinky]

*Dreamy sigh* Every blistering moment was worth it. Of course, that was back when he liked me. We barely talk now that high school has started. *Not dreamy sigh*

Slink

[loopin]

Ouch.
I find boys tend to be like that. Single minded, goofy goobers who have absolutely no idea how much power they have over girls.
Honestly. They're almost always CLUELESS :huh: when it comes to girls and crushes....

[Fabs_JC_HA]

Gosh!! Its Feb. 17th =( and I just read about this contest =(

[iloveslinky]

Ouch.
I find boys tend to be like that. Single minded, goofy goobers who have absolutely no idea how much power they have over girls.
Honestly. They're almost always CLUELESS :huh: when it comes to girls and crushes....

You know, it's ironic really. After high school started we got to talking one night. (Somewhere near Halloween, I think) We both liked eachother for the entire time we knew one another. Funny how things work out, huh?

Slink

[Mara=^.^=]

OK, so I'm going to go through and review each story, in the order that they were submitted. All my compliments/critiques/suggestions are meant with love :wub: , so don't be offended.

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Mara=^.^=]

STORY REVIEW 1- "Note to Self" by Slink

First up is iloveslinky's story! Here's my review.

What I love about this story:
The opening dream sequence has wonderful, vivid descriptions that carry the reader away into the mind's eye. Very well done!
I adore the Mom (she is SO...well, Mommish) and her use of the nickname Rilekins is pretty hilarious ^_^
Additionally, the "Note to Self" pattern provides a really nice unity to the story and helps tie it together, giving it a sense of completion even though it's only a oneshot. And LOL of LOLz, a furbie! I remember having one of those! Nice little detail there :lol:

Things that could be improved:
The main problem with this story is the voice. The narrator simply does not sound like a 3rd grade boy. Because you wrote this story in the first person, voice has to be taken into consideration. Riley in this story sounds much more like a preteen/young teenage girl than an 8 year old boy. His level of vocab/articulation as well as the way he sees the world is too sophisticated. This might work for a middle school boy, but the voice is still a bit too female. Voice is a very difficult thing to pull off and takes a lot of practice, so don't feel bad! Try to remember back to what you were like in 3rd grade and use that as a starting point. Remember what kinds of things boys said/did at that age.
An easy fix for this story would simply be to put it in the 3rd person "he" rather than the 1st person "I". That'd avoid the whole voice issue altogether.

Thanks so much for entering Slink!!

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Mara=^.^=]

STORY REVIEW 2 - "The Ghost of Mrs. Hanky" by Rachel

Review #2~ I feel like an English teacher >.<

What I love about this story:
Your description of Mrs. Hanky dredges up memories in all of us...memories of some much-hated teacher who made our lives miserable years ago (or in some cases, is still making our lives miserable now). I esp. love the lines where the students speculate about Mrs. Hanky having no soul...I remember having similar ponderings about some teachers when I was a kid :lol:'
Your transition between flashback to modern day was seamless (which is hard to do) and you did an amazing job of showing how easy it is for people to become what they hate most. It's the sheer irony of it all...that in trying to be rid of the memory of Mrs. Hanky, Violet ended up taking her place.
Thumbs up! :thumbsup:

Things that could be improved: I'm trying to figure out if the term "slippery smile" actually makes sense. I just can't decide. :blink: Other than that, no glaring errors! Just the usual check-for-spelling-and-grammar etc.


~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[cancel_me]

Oooh, saweet! Mara's starting with reviews. 8D I can't wait to see the rest!!

:thumbsup: Good job on the first one, Mara. I get what you're saying! Although with the third person, I don't know if that would work. It might limit the characterization. It would be pretty difficult, BUT it could be done.

EDIT: Woah, we posted at the same time. o_o

[Mara=^.^=]

STORY REVIEW 3 - "Tin Pan Alley" by Lady Gwendolyn

Lady Gwendolyn? Now I'm starting to get silly.

What I love about this story:
"Your skirts and hair are all too short, and those poor boys have no idea what to do with their eyes..." **gigglesnortLOLz** This line made my day. That is SO what mothers were saying back then (and continue to say today).
What is especially striking about this story is your use of "period language"...that is, all the slang and weird expressions common to the Roaring 20's. Very nice touch, Gwennie Gwen! It definitely adds to the authenticity of the story.

Things that could be improved:
I think this story would have been more effective/more memorable if it were happening in realtime rather than happening as a recollection/flashback. The Roaring 20's were all about action and being in the moment, and the jargon would have worked very well in dialogue. Nevertheless, it still made for a great read!

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =