179 replies to this topic

[Mara=^.^=]

And ooooo, Captain's angry! This should be good!

LOL, of course he is! I just upstaged his sorry ass

Wow! An update already? That was super fast!

I'm gonna try to outdo myself even further and finish the final chapter before Saturday Now if only I could write TOSOT this quickly...


~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[RocksmySocks]

This is awesome, Mara.

All hail the Queen! *bows*

Way to refuse to follow orders and to put Captain in his place! DIGGING GRAVES. Hahaha. Awww, I'm laughing, but it's also sad.

Messy, messy chapter. Again. But well done!

I snorted out loud at the end:

“But seriously…” I segwayed, “you think I could get a change of clothes first? This damn suit is really riding up my ass.”

PFFFFFFFFFT. Lolololol. That's awesome.

I can't wait to see what you have to wrap this up.

[Mara=^.^=]

Way to refuse to follow orders and to put Captain in his place! DIGGING GRAVES. Hahaha. Awww, I'm laughing, but it's also sad.

Poor boy. He's such a bloody martyr. That part wrote itself, so I have no idea why he took it upon himself to bury the Yolkians. Speculate away!

I snorted out loud at the end:

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Mara=^.^=]

Screw it. The sooner I finish this, the sooner I can get back to working on TOSOT. So behold, the final chapter, and the epilogue after that. Not sure how satisfied I am with the epilogue, but whatevs. The important thing is, it's DONE! Heeeeere we go:

Chapter 10, in which Mara is crowned Queen of the Neutron Knights

Coronation came at an ungodly hour, especially considering the nature of the previous night’s festivities. The ceremony took place inside the ballroom, which was still filled with Yolkian equipment, so I think we all felt a little out of place. If I had to pick one word to describe the experience, it would be “anticlimactic”. I didn't get a crown or anything – instead, they brought forth Vox, which looked like a small cake made of metal, and it spouted out the names of my three successors. The relic's voice was so tinny that I couldn't even hear her pronouncement, although some bespectacled guy in the audience furiously scribbled everything down in his notebook, so presumably it was recorded for posterity.

After that awkwardness, my audience gratefully disbanded and went to help themselves to some snacks. I was doing what one hopes never to do at parties – clinging to the refreshment table for dear life – when someone tapped me from behind.

I turned to find Writer Woman, looking splendid in a new red dress. “You know,” she said, “I wasn’t sure at first when I heard Ko talking about the third. But now that I’ve seen you in action – well, I can tell that you’re going to make a good Queen.”

“The same goes for me,” smiled Rat Lady, stroking her pet. “And don’t worry – once their hangovers wear off, the other knights will warm up to you as well.”

I blushed. “Thanks you guys. To tell you the truth, I really have no idea what I’m doing. I can still barely believe this is happening. Before last night I was just some no-name pirate; six months ago I was just some lost and jaded runaway. This whole thing is so strange. I don’t even really know where to begin.”

Ko patted me on the back as she joined us. “You’ll do fine…better than I would’ve, at any rate. Man, I can’t tell you how good it feels to be free! First thing tomorrow, I’m packing a bag and riding off into the sunset. Don’t even know where I’ll go – but then again, that’s kind of the point.”

My favorite contraband obtainment engineer elbowed her way into the conversation, stuffing her face with hors d’oeuvres. “Mmm, dish ish shum coronation.”

“You seem to be enjoying yourself.”

Cami swallowed loudly and let out a satisfied sigh. “These little finger-foods are to die for. I think I’ll have to stuff a couple dozen into my shirt before we leave. You know, strictly as souvenirs.”

Ko laughed. “Take as many as you want! It’s not like you’re gonna break the bank. Even with all the treasure you stole, we still have more gold than we’ll be able to spend in a decade.”

“Ugh, I wish it could buy me a reprieve from this freaking headache,” I grumbled, rubbing my temples. “I despise early mornings. My first act as Queen will be to officially criminalize the crack of dawn.”

Rat Lady and Writer Woman chuckled at this admittedly lame joke.

“Mm, you know,” observed Cami, biting off another mouthful, “headaches and hangovers aside, there’s only one person at this whole shindig who doesn’t seem to be having a good time.”

“Oh?”

She nodded toward the corner, where Captain was talking with one of the other knights. Or rather, Captain was being talked at – he merely stood there gloomily, nodding or grunting dismissively every once in a while to indicate that he was listening.

“Maybe you should go parlé with him before he combusts into a mushroom cloud,” she joked. “I mean seriously, he looks like he’s getting ready to compose his own villain song over there.”

I sniggered, and Ko slapped me on the back. “Go tell that wannabe crook that we’ll all still love him, even if he decides to start wearing that nefarious black cape he keeps in the back of his closet. We all know the one.”

They broke into a fit of giggles. I grinned widely as I left them, entertained and not entirely un-intrigued by the vision of Captain in a long dramatic cape. As I neared him, however, my good humor began to fade. After today, I wouldn’t be a part of his crew anymore. No more Steph to make me tea, no more Cami to steal one sock from every load of laundry, no more Contis to…well, do whatever it was that Contis usually did. I came to a stop a few feet away and decided that it would be best to wait politely for the two of them to finish up their conversation. Luckily I didn’t have to wait long, for the knight – who was apparently still a bit inebriated from the previous evening – staggered off to re-fill his cup, and Captain was left alone.

I approached him hesitantly. Somehow, the dark-haired boy before me didn’t feel like my captain anymore. We has been reduced to strangers wrapped in a guise of familiarity. I reached out a hand to touch him, and he shied away. There was a long moment of silence as we stared at each other, both painfully conscious of his reaction.

“You think I’m making the wrong decision, becoming their Queen,” I said at last.

“No. I understand why you accepted the position.”

I shook my head. “Understanding and approving are two totally different things, Captain. And you think what I’m doing is wrong.”

“You misunderstand, Mara. I don’t think what you’re doing is wrong. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. But from this moment on, our relationship is going to be very different. I’m not your captain anymore. You’re a leader in your own right now – and a potentially dangerous rival. Remember, I am a criminal. I break your laws every day.”

“You know I would never arrest you.”

He surprised me by stepping forward and grabbing my wrists. “Wrong. As Queen, you must maintain your impartiality. Never show favoritism. Never succumb to temptation. Never give in to bribes. Never resort to extortion. That’s my job.”

“Those are some strict 'thou-shalt-nots',” I said with a touch of irony. “I don’t suppose you’d like to tell me why your commandments apply to me, and not to you?”

His grip tightened. “You’re the authority figure now, Mara…and I won’t take that fact lightly. Don’t expect special deference because of our past connection.”

“What are you trying to say, Captain?”

He grinned dangerously. “I’m your new adversary, Mara. I’m your foil, your vice. I’m your checks and balances. I’ll make sure you always have someone to struggle against – someone to keep you honest, keep you humble. Wherever you are, I won’t be far away – and if you grow corrupt, I won’t hesitate. I’ll be the one to take you down.”

My heart was beating wildly. You say that, but you don’t mean it, I thought desperately. You’ll always be on my side.

He leaned forward and kissed my hand. “I’m leaving now, Mara. Remember - you have the potential to transform Neutronia into something better. In all honesty, I have more faith in you than I do in myself. Don’t forget about me. You’ll probably never see me again face-to-face, but I’ll always be close by.”

He turned to go, and for a moment I couldn’t say anything.

“Wait!” I blurted at last, dashing after his receding figure. “If you ever change your mind,” I called after him, “if you ever, you know, feel like taking on more of a leadership role, just give me a ring. …And I mean that in both senses of the word,” I added on a sudden impulse.

He merely laughed as he walked away, and a little piece of me went with him.

_____________________

I just got rejected by a fictional character. LOL

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Mara=^.^=]

Aaaand here's the epilogue! A little too corny for my taste, but WHO CARES. I'm DONE!


Epilogue, in which 3.83 years have passed since Mara's coronation

It took two years to unite the country under a single banner, and those 730 days were fraught with every kind of difficulty you can imagine. There were abusive feudal lords to unseat, criminal organizations to undermine, rogue wizards to contend with, and corrupt law-enforcement personnel to replace. There were towns to rebuild and peasants to feed and leaders to educate – I legitimately did not sleep for my whole first six months on the throne. We accomplished it, though, and with less bloodshed than you might think. The only time we came close to losing somebody was when one of our knights tripped over his own bootlaces and fell down the stairs, and I think it goes without saying that that whole debacle had nothing to do with battle.

I haven’t come any closer to solving the mystery of my latent power, which hasn’t flared up even once since that night at the castle. I’ve consulted mages about it and read up on the subject in the royal archives, but the best answer anyone can give me is that I simply have the power to drive people mad. I hardly need to point out that this is not exactly the most beneficial of abilities. It’s always at the back of my mind – the fear of accidentally unleashing my curse on one of my friends. The only person who would theoretically be safe from me is Captain, but of course he's made it his personal mission to never show his face again.

As for my other pirate friends, you might say they achieved happy endings. Steph's name was finally cleared, and she ended up back in civilized society as the proprietor of a bakeshop, where she went on to attract half a dozen amorous suitors in the space of a week. Or at least that's what Cami tells me. I don't know how that slippery thief manages to keep track of where I go on my frequent travels, but every month or so, she'll turn up out of nowhere to harass me. She can never just walk in the front door like a normal person – she always has to sneak in through a back window or something, and then rifle through my belongings before lying in wait for me to come along. I almost shot her once by mistake when she popped out of my wardrobe with a shirt draped over her face.

Although I enjoy her visits, I've given up on trying to get her to disclose any useful information. She deflects my questions with zaniness and babbles on about whatever strikes her fancy; I merely sit and allow myself to be entertained by her tales. Still, every now and then she'll let something slip, affording me fascinating glimpse into the murky, bottomless underworld that still thrives just beyond my reach. I could spend my whole life trying to dismantle the deep rot that lies under the surface of our society, but I would never succeed, not least of all because my ex-pirate-captain fellow-rightful-ruler unattainable-secret-flame nemesis-in-training is sitting at the head of the whole damn thing.

Ko is doing pretty well for herself, as far as I can tell. Nearly three years to the day that she left for adventure in the great blue yonder, I got a letter from the former Queen, informing me that she had joined a troupe of improvisational chalk-on-sidewalk artists and was, quote, 'practically high on all that life had to offer'. I remember shaking my head and chuckling when I read her note, cause it was just so typical of the capricious and effervescent Ko.

On the home front, I'm learning to love my knights more and more. Rat Lady, Writer Woman, and Lady Gwendolyn have become my especially close confidantes…along with Cherry, who has not left the castle grounds since I saved her three and a half years ago. She’s not exactly my pet, seeing as she is a wild animal, but we have developed quite the bond, if I do say so myself. Still, there is a measure of loneliness that goes with being Queen that no amount of friendship – human or otherwise – can alleviate. Leaders are isolated even when they’re surrounded by a crowd of people. I fill my days with hustle and bustle so that I can forget, but I find no solace during the empty nights, which stretch out before me in a never-ending chain, each one longer than the previous. On some level, I understand why neither Ko nor Captain wanted this life. But on another level, I can't fathom how they could’ve shirked the responsibility when so much is at stake. The world needs all the help it can get. I don't have their skills or their experience...I just have anger and dogged rationality and a hell of a lot of talented people working alongside me.

What can I say? I don’t know how the story will pan out from here. Will I be able to cut it as Queen? Your guess is as good as mine. Life isn’t like a movie. Life is a never-ending series of cliffhangers, with no resolution in sight.

Someone’s knocking on the door.............


_______________________________

Well, thanks for sticking with me, you guys! I really appreciate all your comments. If you could do me ONE more favor, would you mind telling me your: fave part of the story, fave character, and least fave character? I'm treating this as a writing exercise, so I'd love any further feedback / suggestions for improvement.

Also, if you have any questions about what happens after the story, I might answer Thanks again!

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Beks]

Yay! It's done! I loved it!

Although the stuff towards the end was really epic, my fav part is still the scene in the bar at the beginning and your childhood backstory. Pretty dramatic stuff. The first part describing the bar was really descriptive and fun to read. It really got me into the story.

Fav character, hands down, is Captain. Nuff said. Least fav? Uh...the Yolkian guard that shot his comrades? All the real characters I have no complaints about. They work together to create a diverse range of personalities, although Cami might be my second fav.

Man, now I wanna rethink my backstory for NK and fit it with yours, cause that was awesome. According to mine, we always had the castle. Hm...*goes to ponder*


On a side note, I like how even though we don't do the real RP for NK anymore, we still enjoy the whole concept for it and like writing for it. Its a nice alternate reality for IDOJ people.

[underwater]

Nice!

The very last line was a little bit corny, but I enjoyed the chapters for the most part. I like how you make yourself fallible as a character rather than a Mary Sue who just breezes through everything, since I imagine that would be tempting for an author to do.

Fave character: Captain. The boy is hot.
Least fave Character: Steph. I Didn't really get her or find her appealing.
Fave part of Story: I liked your conversation with Queen Kohirihiri. It was the big "reveal", and I love that stuff.

Good job completing this! oh, and your comment "I just got rejected by a fictional character." made me laugh. You should have called the chapter "in which Mara gains a crown, but also an enemy".

My question is: do you ever grow so corrupt that it necessitates Captain taking you down? How about taking you out, if you catch my drift? lol Also, what happened to Contis?

Corinne

[RocksmySocks]

*thunderous applause*

Wooooooooooooooo!!!

Congrats, Mara!!! You finished! And it was AWESOME!!!

Great ending. I'm a huge fan of cheesy epilogue scenes. I just love knowing how things went after the main story ended, so big bonus points for tossing in one of those.

And the whole coronation business was perfect - I'm glad it was anticlimactic, haha. And I loved the conversation with the Captain at the end. He must make your reign as Queen fairly interesting down the line...

Anyhow, onto your questions:

Favorite Character: DJ Cami - she just has amazing lines, and I can't get enough of her.

Least Favorite Character: Hrm. This is hard. Maybe Contis? Or maybe Steph. I liked them both, but I never really got "into" either of them.

Favorite Scene: All the explaining stuff, honestly - when you were figuring out that you were "the third". Just such a cool dialogue sequence. It's an information dump, but so well done that it still stands out in my mind as being a great piece of writing.

Least Favorite Scene: (not something you asked, but you did ask for suggestions) The disposal of the Yolkians. Still not entirely sure about that scene. I love the concept of you refusing to take either of Captain's suggestions, but the idea you came up with seems...I'm not sure. It felt like it was kind of a stretch. Bad guy punishment is a fairly important part of a story wrap up, and I know you were kind of making this up as you went, haha, but in the future I'd plan it out more - just so you have the groundwork laid for a more effective punishment scene. For instance, in this one you could have made it a running theme of the Yolkians constantly betraying each other, or maybe even had your Yolkian shooter be a character we met earlier. Just a thought.

All in all, though, great story. Great writing, naturally. Interesting plotline, and some fantastic characters. My only suggestion is more planning in the future, so you can have story arcs from beginning to end that all mesh together and make for stronger emotions.

[Mara=^.^=]

Least Favorite Scene: (not something you asked, but you did ask for suggestions) The disposal of the Yolkians. Still not entirely sure about that scene. I love the concept of you refusing to take either of Captain's suggestions, but the idea you came up with seems...I'm not sure. It felt like it was kind of a stretch. Bad guy punishment is a fairly important part of a story wrap up, and I know you were kind of making this up as you went, haha, but in the future I'd plan it out more - just so you have the groundwork laid for a more effective punishment scene. For instance, in this one you could have made it a running theme of the Yolkians constantly betraying each other, or maybe even had your Yolkian shooter be a character we met earlier. Just a thought.

All in all, though, great story. Great writing, naturally. Interesting plotline, and some fantastic characters. My only suggestion is more planning in the future, so you can have story arcs from beginning to end that all mesh together and make for stronger emotions.

Oh, definitely. I think the problem with this story is that it lacks a middle. There's the beginning set up, and then bam, the final arc. In chapter 4, I speedily describe 6 months worth of living on the pirate ship. If this were a *real* story, I would have actually SHOWN this, and not just dismissed it. You know, take the time to go on some adventures and get to know all the characters, become really close to them, and maybe drop some hints that things aren't what they seem. That way, Ko's reveal wouldn't seem like it came out of left field, and it would make my ensuing separation from the pirates that much more emotional and painful.

If this were srs bsnss, I probably would have also tried to explore my pseudo-romance with Captain a bit more, since that seems to be the direction that our interaction was heading anyway. I would still keep it understated (and unrequited - even in fiction I don't get any action), but it would've made the ending a bit more tense if we had been closer. Steph, too - I had all these cool ideas for her at the start, but then just dropped most of them because I didn't want to put in the effort. Contis was actually an in-joke with myself, so I regret nothing

Poultra, the Griffins, and the Yolkian execution were all last minute additions; I think if I were going to do a re-write, I would find a way to make this tie in with the plot a bit better (although I'd still want the reader to question whether or not I made the right decision. This isn't supposed to be "wow, that was cool Mara!", but more like, "umm...not so sure if that was smart or just awful."). I'm a fan of anticlimactic ending scenes, since it gives the characters more room for reflection and self-doubt, so I'd probably keep the coronation scene much the same.

And now a question for you: do you get the feeling that I'm repeating characters? I mean, parallels could be drawn between DJ and Captain, and probably Cami and Nav too. I guess their motivations are different, but they're still similar archetypes - dark(ish) genius, charming off-the-wall thief...

Anyway, thanks SO MUCH for reading. I'm mega grateful for your feedback.


~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Beks]

I guess there is some overlap in archetypes, but they're totally different characters. DJ a cold, calculating villain under the influence of megolomanium, while Captain fixates on not becoming corrupt and gaming the system.

And for Cami and Nav, maybe the real Cami inspired you with Nav?

[Mara=^.^=]

And for Cami and Nav, maybe the real Cami inspired you with Nav?

Actually, on closer inspection, these two are less similar than I thought. While they're both outlandish thieves, Nav is an ideologically motivated Well-Intentioned-Extremist, while Cami is more of a chaotic-neutral, greedy whirlwind, with no higher ethical prerogative.

Profession-wise, I just happen to like thieves, because they can really run the gamut from sympathetic cool-guy to horribly corrupt asshole. Cami is hella awesome in this story, of course, but I'd trust Nav more in real life because I could appeal to his overriding sense of justice.

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[RocksmySocks]

And now a question for you: do you get the feeling that I'm repeating characters? I mean, parallels could be drawn between DJ and Captain, and probably Cami and Nav too. I guess their motivations are different, but they're still similar archetypes - dark(ish) genius, charming off-the-wall thief...

Anyway, thanks SO MUCH for reading. I'm mega grateful for your feedback.


~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

Repeating characters?

Actually, I never thought of DJ and Captain being similar. (The drawing you did reminded me of DJ, haha, but beyond that, nothing). They're...no, haha. So, so different. SO different.

I guess Cami and Nav could be seen as similar, but Cami seems more ruthless. Nav is more fun. They're different shades of a similar archetype, but I think that's a good thing. You write that type of character well, and if you refine it in these little fanfic things, you'll have a great character to work with in an original story someday (that you shall publish and then sign for me).

[Mara=^.^=]

My question is: do you ever grow so corrupt that it necessitates Captain taking you down? How about taking you out, if you catch my drift? lol Also, what happened to Contis?

Hopefully not, and lol, why delve into actual romance when you can have frustrating UST instead?

Contis...owns a shrimp fishing boat now. Just like Forrest Gump.

Actually, I never thought of DJ and Captain being similar. (The drawing you did reminded me of DJ, haha, but beyond that, nothing). They're...no, haha. So, so different. SO different.

lol, you sounded like you chuckle-scoffed while writing this, so I'll take that as a sign that they are in fact vastly different characters. DJ really is evil. Captain likes to pretend to be. The end.

They're different shades of a similar archetype, but I think that's a good thing. You write that type of character well, and if you refine it in these little fanfic things, you'll have a great character to work with in an original story someday (that you shall publish and then sign for me).

That is my hope. I adore the charming thief type of character, and want to continue creating new ones in the future (as well as re-using old ones. I swear Nav will play a big role in a real book someday. It's only fair, since I killed him off in his first role. I owe him now ).

And dude, when you publish your books, we can sign each other's! Wouldn't that be badass? Talk about a kodak moment.

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[kohirihiri]

Bahahaha his cape in the closet... it's called... THE BLACK MAMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Did I tell you IRL that I'm high on life? Because I told someone that.

[Mara=^.^=]

Did I tell you IRL that I'm high on life? Because I told someone that.

You did not. I just made an educated inference

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[Mara=^.^=]

Completely random and unnecessary update: My Mom read this recently. She hated it

Completely random and unnecessary question: Did anyone else finish their NK backstory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[RocksmySocks]

Completely random and unnecessary update: My Mom read this recently. She hated it

Completely random and unnecessary question: Did anyone else finish their NK backstory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

*coughs*

Of course I finished mine! You know...in my head...a while ago...erm...

...

...

...okay so maybe I never finished typing it. And posting it. Uh...etc.

[Mara=^.^=]

*coughs*

Of course I finished mine! You know...in my head...a while ago...erm...

...

...

...okay so maybe I never finished typing it. And posting it. Uh...etc.

You should just type a paragraph summary of how it ends, and post that. Or you can always transfer the ending into my brain using the telepathic powers that we both know you possess

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =

[SweeneyxxTodd]

Completely random and unnecessary question: Did anyone else finish their NK backstory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

LOL no not even close. I've toyed with the idea of completely rewriting mine, only keeping two or three things consistent. I think this time I will write the whole thing, and then post it in sections. And I'll make a completely new topic for it BECAUSE I CAN.

[Mara=^.^=]

*Checks this out again*

 

Oh man, the writing is soooo shitty, but the nostalgia is soooo intense...   I can't...

 

~*Mara*~ = ^.^ =